September

History repeating itself. The patterns have become clearer as the last piece of the puzzle fell to its place. To act upon impulse is luring, but I choose not to.

Not knowing what to trust, I embrace the unknown. Not knowing where to go, I stay here. Not comprehending the past, I must learn and understand. Being afraid to look at the potential, I will face the darkness in candlelight.

For the first time in aeons, I am afraid...

Hypnos (Redux)

The first night of true and uninterrupted rest in weeks. I accept this gift with humility and gratitude. The first time I had a dream in months. I find this both Amusing and, at the same time, comforting. My so-called night time rest has been nothing but an uneasy vortex in an abyss.

"Will death cleanse me of this Nemesis? I taste the blood and all the pain..." --Thomas Gabriel Fischer, Celtic Frost, "Nemesis" from "Vanity/Nemesis"

Wisdom

From the diary of the great Robert Fripp Sunday, 20th September 2009

Responsibility

We are born with rights, freedoms and obligations.

We are born with freedoms, and have the obligation to claim them.
It is as true to say that we are born with obligations, and have the right to honour them.

We have the freedom to exercise our rights to the degree that we have the freedom to meet our obligations.

The key to our personal freedom is the extent to which we accept responsibility for exercising our rights and meeting our obligations.

Our sense of personal responsibility, in respect to rights & obligations, in some cases may be innate; but in others, may not be.

The sense & feeling of personal responsibility, and our capacity to exercise it, is primarily an outcome of education.

Chthonic

Distilled from this disarray, a megaron and an effigy. An appropriate shrine for a failure.

Nothingness

An austere and a passionless state of being. The sensation of detachement grows as the reveries subside. The Elysian Fields of yesterday linger in a dreamlike vapor and the glorious Ignis Fatuus remains as a suffocating flame, moribund and withering. I can almost touch the flame, with trembling hands, I can.

And there will be the Third, and the Third will be the end of all.

Broken

Sky

August

The August of 2009 will always bear the stigma of being one of the most difficult, appalling and destructive months in my travels on this planet. I have survived unspeakable horror and loss in my life, and I am not comparing the events of August 2009 to those distant memories of sadness and grief. However...

...August left too many quenstions unanswered. Questions of motive, meaning and reason. I cannot, and choose not to, live without the aforementioned. My actions and choices are always with intent, and I do my very best to understand the consequenses of my actions, even at a point where I find myself physically and mentally exhausted and utterly spent. The nights have offered no refuge or shelter from the reality of what has taken place. The bliss of sleep has kept itself waiting, and after too few moments of torn dreams, the morning has greeted me without consolation and hope. The stranger in the bathroom mirror resembles nothing I am familiar with.

"...Oh Gods, come and take me away, from all this that I know by heart, I turn to face the sun,
and my steps are uneasy, I am so frightened of what we have become..."

The September may bring something else, forgetfulness at least. It may bring a hint of joy, but right now, I just want to forget. Forgetting is sufficient enough for I have no high hopes or dreams anymore. May the ignorance pave the way for a distant future, in whatever form it might present itself.

"... and dreamless I, drown again, in the shadow of the fading stars, a black Saturn and a dying Sun..."