August

The August of 2009 will always bear the stigma of being one of the most difficult, appalling and destructive months in my travels on this planet. I have survived unspeakable horror and loss in my life, and I am not comparing the events of August 2009 to those distant memories of sadness and grief. However...

...August left too many quenstions unanswered. Questions of motive, meaning and reason. I cannot, and choose not to, live without the aforementioned. My actions and choices are always with intent, and I do my very best to understand the consequenses of my actions, even at a point where I find myself physically and mentally exhausted and utterly spent. The nights have offered no refuge or shelter from the reality of what has taken place. The bliss of sleep has kept itself waiting, and after too few moments of torn dreams, the morning has greeted me without consolation and hope. The stranger in the bathroom mirror resembles nothing I am familiar with.

"...Oh Gods, come and take me away, from all this that I know by heart, I turn to face the sun,
and my steps are uneasy, I am so frightened of what we have become..."

The September may bring something else, forgetfulness at least. It may bring a hint of joy, but right now, I just want to forget. Forgetting is sufficient enough for I have no high hopes or dreams anymore. May the ignorance pave the way for a distant future, in whatever form it might present itself.

"... and dreamless I, drown again, in the shadow of the fading stars, a black Saturn and a dying Sun..."

Karmic Consequences

Mirriam-Webster Online Dictionary:

• Main Entry: con·se·quence
  
• Pronunciation: \ˈkän(t)-sə-ˌkwen(t)s, -kwən(t)s\
• Function: noun
• Date: 14th century

1 : a conclusion derived through logic : inference
2 : something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions consequences of the war>
3 a : importance with respect to power to produce an effect consequence> b : social importance
4 : the appearance of importance; especially : self-importance

synonyms see importance

— in consequence : as a result

The past week has been a constant reminder of how ignorant people generally are of the direct results of their own actions. Things do not just happen, there is always a choice behind a string of events that can be pointed as a source of origin. Things just do not happen to you. The choices you made, and how the choice was manifested, lead to the given result. Any arising faced on a daily basis is a product of choice.

Cuisvis hominis est errare; nullius nisi insipientis in errore perseverare

How sad it is to note then that current events have been full of finger-pointing, blaming the "consequences" and externalizing one's responsibilities. To live a life while manifesting the necessary, because necessary is never far from what is real. To live a life manifesting honesty, honesty unto one self and unto one another. To live a life understanding that the optional is expensive and the unnecessary is unlikely. One should never choose the optional and the unnecessary, unless prepared to pay the highest price for vanity.

What is so incomprehensible about the aforementioned? How in the name of every known deity, and then some, have I to face the incompetence and ignorance, the half-assed manifestations of the Thelemic "Do what thou Wilt" with sub figura "not giving fuck is awesome" or "fuck everyone else", on a daily basis?

...

A day in the life of...

Friday, the last day of July. The usual business of managing a hotel keeps me occupied with all different kinds of arisings. The JoenRantaRock (The RiverSideRock -festival, for all you English speaking friends) preparations are on their way. The festival has been held in the evening restaurant of the hotel for the past two years, and this year it is attempted to be held outside entirely. The building of the stage is taking far too long, I notice, as I stand on a balcony overlooking the festival area between the hotel and the River Kymi. I try not to worry about the building schedule, which at this point is beyond all hope.

[Edit: The rest of the entry has been removed by the author due to discretion towards persons included and the immense hurt caused by the misinterpretation of given information.]

Reflections on an Ultimatum

I have to honestly admit I have pissed away half of the day and I feel angry over numerous things, yet again too many to mention. Is it the anger having caused me to organize my life badly today, or is it the fact that I have organized my life badly the primary cause of my anger? Perhaps it has been my recent attempts in brutal honesty towards the people whom I so dearly love that have set this mood. I should be above this kind of crap, but still I am here, contemplating this nonsense. [I received today's mail containing the company's bills and started processing them for the purchase ledger, and found out, that I couldn't remember what date it is. Couldn't remember the month either.] From late 2004 to 2006 I made some terribly bad "calls" and those "calls" still affect my existence today. The choices presented to me then came with a price to pay like it is customary with every choice an individual makes. There is no such thing as "win-win" situation. The following quotes from the great Robert Fripp creep into mind: "The necessary is possible. The optional is expensive. The unnecessary is unlikely" "Necessity is never far from what is real." I chose the "optional" as a career choice regarding my work in the hospitality industry and "unnecessary" as a career choice in the music industry. The ventures on both fields turned out to be expensive and set goals turned out to be unlikely. I have managed to discharge many tasks in my life superbly. I am not bragging, nor am I joking. I have nearly ruined my life failing at many other tasks miserably. This is not a lament, nor a joke. All this is nothing new in itself. I believe every man has come to crossroads more than once in his existence, that is, a man who has the capacity to self-reflect. This is again something I refuse to take for granted. To continue my exercises in brutal honesty, the root of my anger is as follows: I was recently presented with an option: a choice to make. It was written in as such, perhaps intended as such. However, it was written by someone who is in no position to present me in any kind of choices. Moreover, it was presented over a matter that involves no choice whatsoever. What it actually boiled down to - an ultimatum. Had it been coming from someone I know, or someone with any kind of "authority" over anything, I might have taken heed. I actually might have taken time to reflect on it. I presented the ultimatum to my inner circle. It was treated like every other ultimatum ever presented to us: with violent derision and contempt.

Hypnos

There is a stranger in the mirror and he has a face like mine. The feeling of being detached from this world grows as the February drags along, half-buried in snow, and its dark days draining and devouring the light reflected from the cold black waters. Burned to the core for now, but certainly not broken, and with wild abandon I will resurrect, be reinstated and alive. But for the time being, I choose only to exist and existence will be sufficient enough until I have something to say, something to give and somewhere to go. For now, let me sleep for I am weary of the waves of demands, overthrowing and all encompassing. I am weary of everything. Tread lightly when you pass by my door or my window, tread lightly, and weep not for me in the morning, like a friend once wrote, for I am here, as unbounded as the infinity, in the finite world.

Until the morning, let me sleep and dream, and wake up in the light I once knew.

Vel prece vel pretio

From the rooftops of Gaudi's Cathedral saints, please, bless me, for my heart pulls south
No prayer can save me now, no such word strong enough.
I do not know what has gotten to me or what brought me here tonight,
I've got nothing to give you but my heart and the thoughts I claim as mine.

And now that image is no longer, a figure forms naturally.
When you stand besides all the nonsense, then what would you really be to me:
a portrait of a goddess, or an angel to purge my hurt,
or the closest thing to perfect in a less than a perfect world

[On the road from Madrid to Murcia, on the last minute of the last hour of May 29th 1995]

The end, my friend

Tuesday night I am working late and receive an unexpected phone-call.

no:status, as a group, is no more.

All public appearances cancelled, a video shoot cancelled, everything cancelled.
I proceed to inform the inner circle resulting stupefied reactions all around.

Utter lack of communication and understanding for one part and utter lack of empathy for the other. The needs of an individual versus the needs of the many. The lack of motivation, dedication and determination. The feeling of treachery and betrayal.

Faith lost. Credibility lost. A contract terminated.